The longest 17 and 18 days of my life

When I went in to deliver Reese and Zane I expected a normal birth. I expected one to come right after the other (that didn't happen!), to be able to hold my babies right away, to be able to have them in my room with me and Grant post-delivery, to introduce them to all of our family and friends who came to visit them/us in the hospital and to be able to bring them home with us when I got discharged. Needless to say, none of that happened.

Right when Reese came out I got to see her (see the photos from the post above). Grant was able to cut her umbilical cord. Then, she was taken right away to the NICU where she stayed for 17 long days. When Zane was born I was able to see him briefly. Grant wasn't able to cut his umbilical cord. Then, he was taken right to the NICU for the next 18 days.

I was still on the operating table. Grant checked with me and I told him to go with the babies to the NICU while I was still in the OR. After a while I was wheeled back to my room and was told I could go see the twins in the NICU once I could walk.

I immediately got out of bed. I was a little numb, but not much at all. Grant got me a wheelchair and wheeled me to see my children.

I remember that moment. The moment I arrived to Reese's bedside in the NICU.

I couldn't hold back the tears. My babies were in separate isolated beds closed from the world with a bunch of wires and IVs coming out of them. It was so hard to see them like that when all I wanted to do was hold them and love on them. They were so little, so helpless and looked so alone.I looked through my tear-filled eyes and saw my baby girl and fell in love. I wanted to reach in and take her back to my room with me, but knew I couldn't. She was so little and had ten perfect fingers and the cutest little face. She looked like an angel sleeping there.

I then went to the next bed in the NICU to see Zane, my son.

He was hooked up to even more monitors. I cried more. He has a CPAP machine and and an oxygen tube that reminded me of what my Granny was on when she was older from years of smoking, only my baby boy had only been born a few short hours ago. It was SO hard to see him like that.

The NICU nurses, many of whom we'd grow to love, let us hold Reese. Here is a photo of me with her for the first time.

It wasn't until the next day that I was able to hold Zane. Here is Grant with him the next day.

There are many things that parents of full term babies take for granted. Being able to have their babies in their rooms at the hospital. Being able to introduce their babies to family and friends in the hospital. Spending quality time with the babies including skin-to-skin contact, feeding and holding them. Having a traditional discharge where they wheel the mom in a wheelchair out to her car while she holds her baby/babies and has balloons tied to her chair with her husband carrying the rest of their stuff.

We never had those moments. At the time it felt like those moments were stolen from me. Each time I'd see a mom being wheeled out with her baby and balloons I'd cry as I walked by on my way to the NICU. I found myself on the verge of tears on most of my drives from home to the NICU. It was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.

Now that I look back on it all it seems to have gone by so quickly, but when we were in it it seemed to take forever to get them discharged. Our time in the NICU was difficult, but we learned SO much and made great friends with the amazing staff. We learned to be parents. We were taught how to properly care for preemies, feed them, change them, burp them, wash them. They were put on a great schedule. I know it happened for a reason and I am grateful that we had that time.